Dandoomd

I like the idea behind it (the marching snare is a great idea for a war song)... however, the guitar riff doesn't develop anywhere and there isn't a huge payoff at the end to justify to buildup... the key to creating metal, even slower tempo trudging metal like this track, is by creating and weaving multiple riffs, almost like themes and variations. Have a listen to some of the later Ministry tracks (their music has a similar aesthetic, some of it was used in The Hurt Locker, awesome war film)... You may be able to vary it with some vocals or even a guitar solo melody in places...

Sorry if it seems like I'm ripping it apart, but it's cos I reckon with a few changes it could be an awesome piece... and fairplay for it being your first attempt at metal =]